Alright, story time! Deep breaths (I say this more for myself). This is gonna be a long one.

Well, for starters, if you’ve already read my bio you know that I never planned on being a mother. So you’d imagine my surprise when I fell in love at 25 years old… with a little girl and her dad, who turned out to have just lost the matriarch in their family. But let me backtrack a bit…

In the fall of 2016 I started graduate school at the University of Colorado Boulder. During one of my first classes, a new friend suggested I check out the local grocery store, Alfalfa’s, and apply for a job since I mentioned I needed to find employment, fast. She was just hired there herself that morning and it seemed promising, so I waltzed in that afternoon and started work a few days later.

Within my first several months at Alfalfa’s, I noticed a duo that would often come through my line: a little girl who was about 3 or 4, with the most beautiful hazel eyes and unruly, curly, golden brown hair, accompanied by a man I assumed was her dad. She looked exactly like him, though he was rugged and tall, incredibly handsome with neat dreadlocks that went past his bottom. I was smitten by the two of them immediately and looked forward to seeing them throughout the week. The one thing I noticed was it was always the two of them, alone, and they seemed incredibly close.

I went about my business and one day, in the spring of 2017, the dad (whose name I eventually learned was Bryan) came into the store without his daughter, Mila. It was a slow day and we got to chatting. Bryan ended up telling me that Mila’s mom, his wife Tashi, had died in September of 2015 after a long battle with breast cancer. My heart broke for the two of them. To make matters more complicated, he had a son, born the previous December, with a high school friend who lived in Los Angeles. At this point my head was spinning. I could tell he was still deeply grieving his wife and struggling with such complicated circumstances, but his energy was so beautiful and positive. I was in awe. I told him that if he ever needed a helping hand with Mila I would love to spend time with her. I had babysat back in my preteen years and hadn’t really thought about it since then, but Mila captivated me and I knew she was a special little girl. Of course I wanted to help.

Bryan had never had a babysitter for Mila before, and he was very hesitant, but he felt that after all these months of slowly getting to know me at their local grocery store that I could be trusted. So a few days later I left my morning shift at Alfalfa’s and met Bryan and Mila outside of the store, where Bryan stood holding a piece of paper with his phone number and information written on it, nervous as hell. I reassured him we’d be fine and gave him my address to pick Mila up in a few hours. Honestly, I didn’t really know what to do with a toddler, so we ended up going to Petco to look at some fish and guinea pigs, then to my apartment where Mila proceeded to pick apart my closet. She was growing up without a female figure at home, so it seemed natural that she immediately went for all the fancy clothes she could find, including my high heels, and we played dress-up and colored until Bryan showed up at my door a while later. He ended up staying and we talked for an hour while Mila played and pranced around us. 

I learned more about his relationship with his son’s mother (we’ll call her Angie) and how it all unfolded. Angie was the first and only woman Bryan had been with, six months after Tashi died, and they had known each other since their high school days back in Dayton, Ohio. I could tell that he was confused about how things had turned out—they had a one night stand that resulted in their son (who we’ll call Matthew), and it seemed like the right thing to do was pursue being a family with him and Angie. But Angie and Matthew lived in California, and she had no interest in joining Bryan and Mila in Boulder. It all seemed really bewildering and complex, and there was a deep sadness in Bryan’s eyes as he told me all this. I had no idea so much was going on within the life of this sweet pair who regularly came through my line at Alfalfa’s. I didn’t really know what to think; I just knew that he and Mila were two people with hearts of gold, and I wanted to continue spending time with Mila and helping out in a way that made sense for me. So it went on like this for a year.

In that year, I began a relationship with someone I met through mutual friends that eventually ended, and Bryan continued his on-again, off-again relationship with Angie. Aside from that first hour-long conversation, we didn’t really talk much except for the few tidbits we’d exchange at pick-up and drop-off the two days a week I hung out with Mila. She and I had grown really close, and I had absolutely fallen in love with this sweet girl who was teaching me so much every day we spent together. It was challenging and beautiful to be around a child so filled with wonder and spunk. I loved our time together. 

Eventually my time in grad school came to an end. Graduation was approaching and I had chosen to accept a full-time job as a nanny for a family with two young children. I knew at that point I wasn’t sure about diving headfirst into a journalism career (my master’s is in environmental journalism), and I wanted the summer to do something more casual while I figured it all out—but, this meant I had to let go of my job at Alfalfa’s and my time with Mila. Because we had grown so close by that point, I invited her and Bryan to my graduation party. To my surprise, they came! My parents had been hearing about Bryan and Mila for over a year, and after meeting the two of them my mom pulled me aside to say what I thought, at the time, was the most absurd and inappropriate comment ever: “You should marry Bryan and be Mila’s mom!” *cue the eyeroll*

I told her she was crazy and not to say that any louder. Bryan was just Mila’s dad; Mila was just a kid I babysat for fun. Still, I’d be lying if I said I had never daydreamt about that possibility. I had broken up with my previous partner a few months before, and truthfully had been quietly crushing on Bryan since the day I met him.

I’ll spare you ALL the tiny details and just say that, to my surprise, my mom wasn’t as far off as I thought. A couple months later, while I was house sitting for Bryan and Mila up at their cabin in the mountains, Bryan and I ended up getting together. No, Mila wasn’t around. They were gone for two weeks; Mila spending time with her grandparents in Ohio and Bryan with his son in L.A. He came home for one night in between his California trip and meeting Mila in Ohio for a wedding, and somehow we ended up spending that one night together, completely unexpectedly. 

I say this because I really, truly, had thought my crush on this man was absolutely useless and he would never see me the way I saw him. I thought I was too young and immature for him—after all, I had just finished grad school and he seemed to have lived multiple lifetimes in his 40 years on earth. I was his daughter’s babysitter, for God’s sake. Sometimes I thought he looked at me in a certain way, but I would always conclude that I was just being hopeful and delusional and kept these thoughts to myself. Neither of us ever crossed that boundary until after my time babysitting Mila was over… which is ironic, because as it turns out almost everyone in both of our lives were wondering if the two of us would ever figure it out and end up together. It STILL feels crazy to say that!

Okay, so back to the story and how I became Mila’s mom. We did not spend one night together and then decide to go all in, forever. We spent that night together and Bryan left the next morning for Ohio. One thing I forgot to mention is that, during my solo time house sitting in the mountains, I had made a huge decision for myself. The family I was nannying for full-time had decided they were relocating to Florida, and they wanted me to come with them. They knew with my recently-obtained graduate degree that I was way overqualified to be their nanny, but they also knew I had no idea what I was doing with my life. They offered to fly me out with them, live in their guest house rent-free, and continue to be the kids’ full-time nanny. I decided right before the night Bryan and I got together that I really had nothing to lose, and I was going with them. At the time, it seemed like the perfect next step for me, in that it would buy me some more time before the pressure of getting a post-grad “real job” settled in. (Side note: nannying is a “real job,” and a great one at that.) Part of why I think Bryan and I ended up getting together that night was because, in that department as well, I figured I had nothing to lose. I was leaving in a few weeks to move to Florida, we were both single at the time, I wasn’t his kid’s babysitter anymore, and I had been thinking about it for almost two years. Afterwards, I figured at best it would be a fun story to go home and tell my roommates about.

Over the next couple of weeks after Bryan and Mila returned to Colorado, I ended up spending some more time with the two of them and realized the butterflies I felt for Bryan all this time were not going away. I felt something for these two and whatever it was, it was getting strong. I started feeling confused and conflicted about leaving for Florida when it seemed like maybe there was potential for something real here. I went back and forth, feeling like I was crazy to think that after just a few weeks I should ditch my grand plans and see what would be in store for me in Colorado with this fantasy I had built up in my head. In the end I called my best friend, who encouraged me to just follow my heart. Simple, right? Together we raised the big questions: What did I actually want? Did I really want to go to Florida and leave Bryan and Mila and all the possibilities behind? If not, was I ready to dive in and be a mother? We had no way of knowing how my tiny, budding relationship with Bryan would turn out, but the fact of the matter was he was a dad and I already had a relationship with Mila. If I was to go all in and date this man, I would be opening myself up to the possibility of being this little girl’s mom and that becoming my life. At this, I comically and naively said “Yes.” Yes, I could totally see myself being ready to become a mom. (I laugh because I now know that my desire to fall in love with Bryan was 100% clouding my judgment… I had no idea what motherhood would entail or what the adjustment would look like in going from a grad student who babysat two evenings a week to a full-blown parent!)

Another factor to complicate things: in the time since I initially decided I would go to Florida, a friend of mine forwarded me a job opening at a local nonprofit that was looking for an entry-level Marketing Coordinator. I had already told the family I was nannying for that I was all in on Florida, but in reading the job description, my heart stopped a bit. The nonprofit’s mission was to improve school food and environmental impact by implementing scratch cooking in K-12 schools across the country. I thought, “Hold on. A job that’s somewhat related to my academic field that focuses on kids and the environment? Is this real? I can totally do this job!” And so, I applied. By the time I was three weeks away from leaving for Florida, I was two steps away from landing this job. My initial interview went well, and I had told the family that there was a chance I would stay in Colorado if I got it.

In the end I decided to stay. The night I told Bryan I wasn’t going to Florida anymore, I laid it all out there. I had notes and everything. I didn’t know for sure that the nonprofit job was mine, and I didn’t know for sure where he stood on the idea of “us,” but I wasn’t ready to leave Colorado behind. His response? Well, it wasn’t exactly what I expected (or wanted) to hear. He thought I was great, and was glad that I wasn’t leaving anymore and that I could potentially land this great job in my field. But his life was a complicated mess, and a friend of his was trying to set him up with a woman who also had lost her spouse, who was his age, and he didn’t want to commit to anything with me. I swallowed my pride and told him that was fine. I wasn’t expecting us to get into a serious relationship or anything (a lie). I just wanted to know that he was open to spending time together and seeing where things went, casually (also a lie). The main reason I was staying anyway was because of this job (lies lies lies). I should mention that Mila didn’t know what was going on between us, only that her old babysitter and her dad had been taking her out for ice cream and dinner together a couple times a week. We left things open ended, but for me it was decided: I would stay in Colorado, and see how things turned out with this job and our budding romance. To me, the risk of the unknown was worth it.

Long story short, I got the job. Bryan never went on that blind date. We fell in love, I became a mother figure in Mila’s life, and now he’s my husband and we’re expecting a baby. WHEW! I’ve been wanting to get that whole entire story out there for a really long time. If you’ve read up to this point, I applaud you. Thank you for your interest in this crazy story that is somehow my life.

There’s obviously a whole lot more to it, and so much has happened in the almost four years since Bryan and I initially got together. But that will all unfold in time and throughout many many posts on this blog, I’m sure. For now, I will leave you with this: follow your fucking heart. It’s so cliche, but it’s true. In fact, all the cliches are true. You never know what’s on the other side of fear until you take that dive. Even the impossible is possible if you just believe (lol). But seriously, if there’s one thing I’ve taken away from how my life has completely flip-turned upside down in the last 4-5 years, it’s that anything is possible and sometimes the most incredible circumstances can unfold when you least expect it.

Love & sisterhood,

Allie